Care for a cup of tea? This could be a long one.
After finally blogging the other day, I stumbled upon this little post from May 2015. The one where I talked about the B word: babies. I had completely forgotten that I wrote it.
I ended the post with lukewarm feelings about having a child and sometime between that post and September 2015, I got over my fears fast and realized that I wanted nothing more in the world than to have a baby and grow our family. I don't care if I never take another carefree trip driving the Ring Road in Iceland or if I ever see the top of Machu Picchu, the feeling grew into a deep need. A need I had to fulfill.
Naively, we set out on this journey like most people, thinking that getting pregnant was as easy as stopping contraception and letting nature take its course. After all, based on statistics, we would probably be pregnant in six months and based on health class, all a boy needed to do to get you pregnant was simply look in your direction. So as soon as we got back from Iceland, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, researched prenatal vitamins, and went off the birth control pill. It was time to make a baby! Let's do this!
My cycles were pretty regular right off the bat, except I had some spotting issues and some months I had more days of spotting than not. Let's just say I was single-handedly keeping Carefree in business. I figured it was just my hormones regulating after being on the pill for 13 years and the fact that I had a few fibroids. So after the first couple months, I didn't really worry.
But then a couple months turned into five, six, seven, eight, nine...and here we are. Still no pregnancy. I know that's not long. I know there are couples out there who have had to deal with this for years, and my heart goes out to them because even just one year feels like a really long time.
Want time to slow down? Try to have a baby and not be successful.
I'm frustrated that I feel like we've done everything we are supposed to do and I cannot help but see the injustice of it all. We've been married for five years. We both have steady jobs with good incomes. We have (rent) a three-bedroom house in a safe neighborhood with the best schools. We've traveled. We've saved and saved and saved. I have a Master degree in Education and years of nanny experience under my belt. We have a 529 plan just ready to send this little kiddo off to Virginia Tech. I think on paper, we are the perfect candidate to have a baby. But if Teen Moms has taught us anything, the Universe doesn't care about your credentials for being good parents.
Aside from frustration though, I'm just kind of sad.
I think what makes me the most sad is that, in the beginning, I was so excited to start this chapter of our lives and now I have to really dig to find the joy in the process. Instead of excitedly anticipating the next time I get to "pee on a stick" (aka, take a pregnancy test), I completely dread it because I'm convinced that I'll see yet another stark white box and have to feel that raw stabbing pain of disappointment. I've stopped taking them completely. I'd rather wait for my new cycle than see another negative test that I equate to failure.
I didn't really write this to get sympathy. Even on my worst days, I know for a fact that we'll be parents someday. It may not be when we planned it and for that matter, it may not come in the way we planned it, but I know it'll happen. God's timing is always far better than my mine and I know He's up to something good. I wrote this because it feels good to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is relatable and if I can reach or meet someone out there who is dealing with the same gut wrenching disappointment each month, then it's all worth it.
Over the next week or so, I want to outline my plan. What I'm doing to make this happen and my holistic approach to making a baby. I'm no expert on the matter (clearly, no baby yet) but I really want to talk about my experiences with acupuncture, changing my diet, finding supplements that work and the roller coaster of emotions that come with it. I know only my friends and family read this, but if anyone else out there is struggling and stumbles upon this post, then please know that I'm here for you and I'm praying for you.